How to help our autistic and ADHD kids with 'stuff'

It’s time for the goods!

So far, we’ve talked about stuff, about why having an unhealthy relationship with stuff matters, and about what NOT to do if your child struggles with this type of attachment.

Now let’s get into what we CAN and SHOULD do to help our kids!

• The easiest thing we can do is to start modeling what having a healthy attachment to stuff looks like.

I talk out loud when I’m with my students ALL THE TIME. I get so tired of hearing my own voice! But they learn by listening to what I’m saying, even if I’m talking to myself. They develop ways of thinking and feeling by listening to how I think and feel.

Model your thought process when you decide to sell, donate, or throw something away. Even the ‘little’ stuff. Talk out loud about how you realize you won’t use that thing again, or how you know someone else would really like to have it, or how you have more of this thing than you need and you’d love to sell it to someone else.

Help your kids see what it looks like to be able to let things go.

Have a system for letting things go. Do you donate things once a month? Have a garage sale once a year? Clean out the house when the time changes? Whatever system you have for moving things out of your life, share those with your kids.

If you feel silly talking out loud to yourself, you can also turn it into a conversation with another adult. Talk out loud to your spouse, to your mom on the phone, to your other kids. As long as your target kiddo is in hearing range, they will hear you! (We all know how true that is!)

• Help set up organizational systems with your child.

Which organizational system works best? The one your child will actually use!

This may require some trial and error (and patience). If your child doesn’t like it or doesn’t use it, try something else!

Those of us with executive functioning deficits struggle with organization. A lot. We need help with implementing structure.

Help your child come up with a place where shoes go. Dirty clothes. Books. Legos. Stuffed animals. What about random stuff? The place doesn’t matter. What matters most is that there IS a place. Shoes can go under the bed, in the closet, in a bin, in a holder on the door… It doesn’t matter! They just need a home that is the same every day.

If your child struggles with folding clothes, maybe everything is hung up in their closet instead. If their room is overrun with stuffed animals, they might need a toy hammock like I had. If they have lots of Lego kits, they may need extra shelves in their room.

Now that things have a place, have your child choose a time.

When will they put their shoes away? How about toys? Books?

Keep in mind that if you expect all the things to be put away every day, that’s probably not realistic.

Maybe there are two days a week when everything gets put away, and we let the other 5 days go. Maybe each day is for one category (Mondays for books, Tuesdays for trash, etc). Again, the system that is best is the one that your child will actually use!

Have a visual reminder (or more than one) for what, when, and where. When are toys put away? What about clothes? Where do books go? Your child will need the reminders for a bit as they get used to a new system.

If you also follow the same system as your child, the effect will be much greater. It’s something you can do together, even though you have separate rooms (or areas of the house). If everyone is organizing on Mondays and Thursdays, it’s just what we do. It’s no longer seen as something that’s just about them, or something that they have to do because they have a deficiency that no one else at home does.

• Create systems for how things leave your house (or your child’s room).

As someone who likes numbers, I get such a kick out of selling stuff! I have been selling non-stop on Facebook Marketplace and eBay for about 3 years now. If you tried to guess how much money I’ve made, you’d be too low. If you tried to guess how many listings I have right now, even 3 years in, you’d be shocked when I told you the actual number.

(Fun fact: people can follow sellers on Marketplace. It’s intended for people who make and sell things, but it’s available for anyone. I have over 70 people who follow me on Marketplace. I find that freaking hilarious!!)

If your child likes math, I definitely recommend helping them sell things! Same if your child has things that are worth something, like Lego kits or electronics. (You know, all that stuff you groaned at paying for!) Nice clothes and shoes are also valuable, either through consignment or selling on your own. If your kiddo gets to pocket the earnings, I guarantee the motivation will be even higher!

Another option is donating things.

If your child has not experienced kids who go without, they probably don’t have an idea that this is the reality for so many kids.

Even kids they know. We all live in our own bubble and cannot perceive of things we haven’t learned about yet.

Helping your child realize that there are kids who don’t have the things they have can be a big step toward them starting to let go of things. Toys they no longer play with, clothes that are too small, books that they’ve outgrown. They can either go to a general collection place like Goodwill or Salvation Army, or to somewhere specific that your child chooses, like a children’s home, a hospital, or a holiday drive (if they allow used items). I remember how willing I was to donate toys when a classmate’s house burned down in elementary school. Being able to compare what you have to what someone else has can be a great motivation to let stuff go.

I find throwing things away to be harder than selling or donating. It goes back to wanting things to have value. If you find this to be the case for kiddo as well, let them donate it. If it’s not valuable, it will get thrown away later. The reality is that most things that are donated get thrown out eventually. It’s just easier if it’s done when we aren’t looking.

Just be mindful when it comes to selling, donating, or throwing out that you are not pushing your timeline on your child. It needs to be on their own timeline. Last Christmas I sold things I’ve had since I was a child. That’s how long I’ve kept them. When I was ready to let them go, I was ready. But not before.

• Limit the things that come into your house (or your child’s room) in the first place.

I saved this one for last because I find it to be the most difficult one of all. Mainly because of how little control we actually have over it.

I do a really good job of this on my own. I no longer impulsively shop. I don’t collect things anymore. I don’t buy something or bring it home unless it has a purpose.

I’m on the Board of a nonprofit that likes to give us gifts. Shirts and bags and paperweights. I’m in several online groups that mail out gifts when you join. Candles and card decks and coffee mugs. I have a shirt for every race I've ever done, plus a bunch of other random stuff that gets thrown in the bag. The race I did last weekend came with a month’s supply of Vitamin C and medicine for a hangover. I work with kids, so I frequently get gifts around holidays. I have friends give me things.

When I get things from others that I didn’t ask for, it’s overwhelming.

What do I do with this race shirt I’ll never wear because I don’t like the color? The bag that is the same as 3 others I already have? The paperweight that I have absolutely no use for? The coffee mugs when I don’t drink coffee?

When people give gifts, it lights them up. We all know what that feels like. But for me, it brings me down. It’s more stuff that I have to figure out what to do with. It’s exhausting.

Imagine your child during the holidays (whichever ones they celebrate), or their birthday. Think of all the things they get that they didn’t ask for and/or don’t want. Think about when they come home with goodie bags from class parties or other kids’ parties. Think about stuff you may buy for them thinking they’ll like it, but they really don’t. Think of all the things they get from cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles.

If you have made it this far, you see your child in this discussion we have been having. Please feel free to forward all 4 posts about this topic to your extended family. Help them realize how more is not better for our kids. Help them see the need to limit the amount of stuff your child accumulates, because it’s just so hard for them to let it go.

Limiting the things that come in is the hardest thing to do, but the one that makes the most difference!

• No matter how many or how few things your child chooses to let go of, give them lots of love and support!

There are days like two weeks ago when I stuffed my SUV full of boxes and boxes of stuff.

And then there are days when I decide to keep something I’ve listed for sale.

It’s not a linear journey. It’s definitely a great example of ‘two steps forward, one step back’.

Genuinely be proud of your child’s growth and progress. Letting one thing go is letting one thing go!

That just reminded me that I went on a selling spree at Starfish almost 2 years ago. If you don’t know, we had a school at Starfish before COVID. I decided not to re-open it after lockdown lifted. There was so much stuff from that school just hanging around. Furniture, curriculums, resources, books… just so much STUFF!

I knew we were moving buildings soon, so every time I would sell something, I would sing this song that I totally made up: “Everything I sell is one less thing to move!” Being able to see the positive in letting go of stuff is really helpful. For your kids, it could be: “Everything I give is one more thing for someone else to have!”

The same goes for when they decide not to buy or bring home items. Every time they recognize that they don’t actually need, or even want, something is a victory.

This will most likely be a lifelong process for your child. They are going to need cheerleaders along the way!

As promised, here are my lists of the best and worst things your kids can get for the holidays if they struggle with their relationship to stuff.

Enjoy, and feel free to pass it on to anyone in your life who contributes to the things in your child’s life!