Back with more 'stuff'!

Last week we started talking about the concept of 'stuff'. (If you missed that post, you can read it here.)

So why does it matter? Why is an attachment to ‘stuff’ something to even talk about, let alone be worried about?

Because of where it comes from and what it signifies.

• The things we have in our life tend to reflect how we feel about ourselves.

I know, that one’s kind of heavy. Let’s sit with it for a moment.

Our relationships, our health, our home, our belongings, our finances, our emotions… they all are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

This has nothing to do with how we feel about these things compared to what other people have or do. It has to do with how we feel about them on their own.

Think about all the aspects of your life, and whether you would consider them to be ‘economy class’ or ‘first class’. Without comparing them to what other people have. Just how you feel about having them in your life.

Here’s an example: I drive a Toyota 4Runner. If you know me, you know I am NOT a fancy person. I absolutely love my 4Runner. I traded in my last 4Runner for this 4Runner. To some people, a 4Runner would be considered economy class. It doesn’t come with many comfort features or fancy technology. But to me, she’s first class all the way!

I wear Vans almost every day. In my heart, those babies are first class! I have the coolest collection, and they are so comfortable. As a kid I would have meltdowns over having to put shoes on. As an adult, I deal with shoes by having the coolest shoe collection! I also have the best collection of Doc Martens. People of my generation know what I’m talking about! To me, my Vans and Docs are first class. To people who prefer $400 dollar shoes, probably not so much.

When the things in our life actually make us sad, like broken toys or damaged books or dysfunctional relationships, it’s a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. It’s an outward manifestation of what we feel like we deserve.

When our kids are collecting and keeping stuff, especially stuff that has little or no value in the world, it’s a sign that their own sense of self-worth is suffering. It’s not a phase. It’s not something to be pushed aside. It’s a sign that they are struggling with who they are and what they think they deserve in the world.

When our kids keep falling into ‘friendships’ with kids who aren’t friends, it’s a sign that they think they deserve to be treated that way. When we as adults keep falling into dysfunctional relationships, it’s a sign that we think that’s all we deserve.

There’s a saying: We accept the love we think we deserve. I believe this applies to everything. If your kid is holding onto broken or damaged things, they think that’s what they deserve. Clothes that are torn. Shoes that don’t fit. Toys that no longer work. There’s a sense that they don’t deserve to have nice things.

• Those of us who are collectors are telling the world that we feel like something’s missing. 

We are using stuff to try to fill a perceived hole in our lives.

We are using stuff for external validation.

Sometimes kids use their stuff to try to gain status or reputation with their peers, either by giving it away, selling it, or just showing it off. Some adults do this as well. We all know the saying about men who drive fancy cars. (NOT saying it’s true, just using it as a common example.)

People who feel the need to acquire things are usually trying to gain acceptance. Both from others and from themselves.

It doesn’t work.

It only attracts people who are looking for artificial connections.

‘Friends’ who like your kid because they have a pool. Partners who ‘love’ you because they don’t have to pay for stuff. Friends who like going out with you because you always drive. Partners who stick around as long as there’s another vacation planned.

Stuff makes us feel emotionally safe. If your child is struggling with their attachment to stuff, please understand that it is a sign they are not feeling emotionally safe.

• Holding onto things means we operate in a scarcity mindset.

A scarcity mindset means we don’t believe there is more coming, at least not to us. We are afraid to let things go because there might not be another one on the way. This applies to stuff, to food, to experiences, and to relationships.

This looks like not wanting to let go of a pair of pants that no longer fit us, because we may not find another pair we like as much. Not wanting to let go of our favorite blanket because we don’t believe another one exists that is as soft. Not wanting to end that relationship that makes us feel crummy because we don’t believe another one is out there.

It's the ‘But what if…’ scenario playing over and over. The anxiety over not knowing if another one is coming. The belief that what comes next will be worse than keeping what we have right now.

The irony is that the more we hold onto things, the more we block the flow of new things coming in. The more we reinforce the concept of scarcity, the more we are rewarded by getting what we believe in. The more we tell ourselves that nothing better is coming along, the more likely it is that we will create that for ourselves. In case you didn’t know, thoughts become things. We create our own realities. Past, present, and future.

• No one likes to live in clutter.

Several years ago when I was first exploring the possibility of my own ADHD diagnosis, I was going through a checklist with my then-husband. I wanted a second opinion because I felt like I couldn’t objectively answer questions about myself. There were questions about not finishing things, getting easily distracted, being really creative, always full of ideas, fidgeting or feeling restless…There was one question about being messy. He laughed out loud and said, “Absolutely!”

I was completely thrown by his response. Never have I considered myself messy. Cluttered? Totally. Disorganized? Completely. Messy? Never.

To me, messy means leaving trash lying around. Letting dirty clothes pile up. Pet messes on the carpet. Rancid odors. When I think of the word ‘messy’, I think of hoarder situations. The ones you see on TV. That is definitely not me.

When I explained how I saw ‘messy’ and ‘cluttered’ differently, he agreed with my logic but still stuck to his belief that he would describe me as messy.

That was probably 10 years ago. Every time I hear the word ‘messy’ it brings back that memory. The shock I felt at being described that way. The realization that not everyone lived with piles and clutter, and that those of us who did were often an inconvenience to the rest of the world.

Even those of us who are self-admitted clutterbugs don’t like the clutter.

I’ve made significant improvement in the last few years regarding my clutter, and what little remains on a daily basis still bothers me.

Trust me when I say your kid doesn’t like that they can’t find things in their room. Or that they have to move things to get into bed at night. Or that they don’t know where their favorite shirt is right now. We don’t like it.

In addition to the low sense of self-worth, we are now adding the frustration of living in clutter and not having the skillset to change our situation.

At Starfish Social Club we have a saying: No one wants a reputation for being annoying. Just like no one wants to live in clutter. Just because people do or have certain things doesn’t mean they WANT to.

Living in clutter makes it even harder to form authentic relationships. Kids are embarrassed to have friends see their room. Adults are embarrassed to have people in their house. Trust me. This was me for years.

It doesn’t always register with kids until they go to someone else’s house and see what their bedroom looks like. No clothes on the bed. No toys on the floor. I remember thinking: But where’s all your STUFF?!

We don’t always recognize our struggles until we realize they aren’t everyone’s struggles. Then that moment of realization turns to embarrassment, frustration, disappointment, negative self-talk.

(Truth bomb: Even when your kid says, “I don’t care”, they really do. Every time. About everything. ‘I don’t care’ just means ‘I don’t like the situation but I don’t know how to make it better and I’m tired of trying.’)

So there it is. Now we know why an attachment to stuff is actually a big deal. Like, a really big deal.

On the next post I’ll share what to STOP doing when it comes to your child’s attachment to stuff, and then we’ll talk about what to do instead to help them form healthier attachments to their things. Since the holidays are here I’ll also share my suggestions for what NOT to buy for kids who struggle with stuff, as well as my top recommendations!