Even more 'stuff'

We've been talking about why some of our neurodivergent kids have an unhealthy relationship with 'stuff', and why it's actually a big deal. Today I'm sharing what NOT to do when it comes to dealing with all this stuff!

(If you missed the first two posts about stuff, you can read the first one here and the second one here.)

In no particular order:

• Do not take steps toward removing or reducing your child’s stuff without their permission or support.

Not only will this not go well for anyone, I can almost guarantee it will make things even more difficult. It will create an emotional disconnect between you and your child, and it will reinforce their connection to their stuff even more. There is also a chance they will start accumulating stuff in secret to keep something like that from happening again.

If you’ve ever watched the show ‘Hoarders’, you’ve probably been disappointed when they give the update and the hoarder is right back where they were a year later. As we talked about last time, it’s not really about the stuff. It’s about the reasons behind the stuff.

If all we are doing is removing stuff, the underlying issues become even more pronounced.

Remember how I referred to collecting stuff as an addiction? Pouring out all of someone’s alcohol to try to break their addiction or taking away someone’s electronics because they can’t regulate their time are not successful addiction-breaking strategies in the long term because they don’t teach the person how to regulate their activities or habits. They may solve the problem in the moment, but we need strategies moving forward to help the person learn to regulate themselves.

A couple years ago, I realized that some of my things went missing during my divorce. I cannot even describe how utterly devastated I was to realize that they were gone. The feeling of not having control over when or how things left my life was overwhelming. As I’ve said before it’s not about the stuff, it’s about what the stuff represents. It often represents a sense of control over our lives. Having that taken away without our permission will not end well.

• Do not give threats, ultimatums, or punishments.

This is always my suggestion, no matter what we are talking about. No relationship should ever involve threats or ultimatums, regardless of whether it’s a marriage, a friendship, or a parent/child relationship. Any time one person is trying to control another through manipulation, that’s an unhealthy relationship.

Attempting to punish your child if they don’t clean their room, get rid of stuff, or stop bringing stuff home is not going to stop the behavior. It’s going to make it go underground.

Now they not only have unhealthy attachments to stuff, they are also likely to start lying about it and hiding it.

Threats, ultimatums, and punishments don’t treat the cause of your child’s attachment to stuff. This approach is actually going to make their attachment even stronger because it damages their relationship with you. And as we talked about previously, damaged family relationships contribute to unhealthy attachments to stuff. The proverbial vicious circle.

• Do not express shame or disappointment in the situation.

I guarantee your child doesn’t want to be so attached to their stuff. I guarantee they don’t want to live in clutter. They don’t want to feel like their stuff is all they can count on.

Just like the things mentioned above, expressing shame and/or disappointment in your child’s relationship with their stuff will only serve to damage their relationship with you. Which, as I’ve already mentioned, will only serve to strengthen their relationship to their stuff.

I have a very strong opinion about there not being a place for shame or disappointment in any healthy relationship. We may not like the choices other people make, we may not like things that happen, we may sometimes not like the person.

But being disappointed in someone is OUR problem, not theirs.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. And the fact that we had expectations of someone that they didn’t meet is on us, not them.

If your child struggles with an unhealthy attachment to stuff, that is who they are. We already know that. Expecting them to be/do something different doesn’t make sense and is only going to make us frustrated or annoyed. We all are who we are. Getting upset with our kids for their stuff really just means we are being illogical.

I’ve had to learn this with people in my life as a young adult. Every time I was around this certain person, I felt annoyed and frustrated at our interactions and the lack of authenticity in our relationship. Then I realized that was MY problem. This person is who she is. If I was expecting her to be different, that was not realistic of me. And it just meant I was constantly frustrated.

Expecting your child to get it together, literally or metaphorically, is an expectation that probably isn’t realistic. So let it go. There is no place for shame or disappointment in a healthy relationship. Let’s approach this with love and acceptance instead.

• Don’t withhold things from your child until they let things go.

Just like all the other things we’ve talked about, this will only serve to exacerbate the situation. Withholding teaches that things are in limited supply, which means our kids will fight even harder to keep what they have. It also forces them to make decisions about the value of their stuff, so you’re asking a child who thinks EVERYTHING has value to make the decision that some things don’t, or that they have less value than others.

Talk about a recipe for anxiety.

Withholding is another form of threatening, shaming, and punishment. It’s one person making a judgment about another person’s actions and behavior and deciding that they are not okay. Healthy relationships do not involve any form of withholding.

I had someone try this tactic with me once. As an adult, someone told me that I couldn’t buy another pair of shoes unless I got rid of one pair for every one I bought. Between the shoes and the person, guess which one is no longer in my life?

Punishment doesn’t change anything long term. It may change things in the moment, but punishment works through fear and intimidation. Definitely not the type of relationship we want to cultivate with our kids.

 Alright, enough about what NOT to do!

Next week we will talk about what we can do to help our kids who struggle with an unhealthy attachment to stuff. I’ll also include my lists of things to avoid getting/buying for our kids, as well as my top recommendations!

See you then!