Neurodivergence and 'stuff'

Let’s talk about neurodivergent brains and stuff.

If your autistic or ADHD child (or you!) struggles with an unhealthy attachment to stuff, stick around. We’re going to talk about some of the causes for this attachment, how it affects those of us who struggle with it, and ways we can help our kids create healthier habits around the things in their life.

I’ve had an unhealthy attachment to stuff for as long as I can remember.

There are these contraptions you can buy that are like hammocks for toys. You hang then on a wall and put all your stuffed animals, action figures, Barbies, trolls, etc. in them. I had two of these in my room. Both overflowing with stuff.

I also had two toy chests. I don’t even remember what I kept in them. I just remember having two of them. They were each the size of a small coffin. And I’m using that comparison intentionally.

In addition to my stuffed animal collection, I have always had other random collections. These have varied throughout my life, but up until recently it’s always been SOMETHING.

When I was little, it was unicorns. I had unicorn bedding, unicorn statues, unicorn stuffed animals, posters, wall art, clothing… If it had a unicorn on it, I wanted to own it.

Part of the challenge with collecting things is that you are no longer the only one acquiring things for your collection. People who know you also start adding to your collection. Holidays and birthdays and ‘just because’ days become opportunities for people to get you more of what you collect.

“What should we get Steph?”

“Well, she really likes unicorns…”

I’m sure we’ve all experienced this, either personally or through our kids.

Other things I’ve collected throughout my life:

• Nirvana paraphernalia in the 90s. I own every Nirvana album. All in CD format, some in cassette tape format. At one point my walls were covered with posters. I made my own book covers in high school using magazine clippings and a laminating machine. I still own a Kurt Cobain t-shirt that currently goes for several hundred dollars on eBay. I even have a Nirvana tattoo.
• Noah’s Ark items. I love animals, so what better way to collect stuff that represents all different animals than through Noah’s Ark? This one never got that out of hand, fortunately.
• Christmas decorations. At one point I had 7 18-gallon bins full of Christmas decorations. This did not include my special tree. That’s 126 gallons of Christmas stuff, y’all. I used to work part-time in a holiday store and the employee discount fueled my obsession.
• At one point I counted over 200 elephant items in my possession. Statues, stuffed animals, clothing, décor. At the time I was going through the process of becoming a foster parent. I remember the woman who came to see my house being overwhelmed and suggesting I ‘thin the herd’. That was the first time I realized this was a problem.
• Starfish décor. Because, well, you know.
• Peacock décor. Peacocks have a very special place in my heart. But, like other things mentioned, I realized I was buying peacock stuff just because it was peacock stuff.

I went to college out of state. I remember coming home the first Christmas and bringing extra suitcases full of stuff I had taken with me, but didn’t actually need. It was all just stuff.

What even IS this? Why do some of us get so attached to stuff??

I’m going to tell you some of the psychology behind it, based on my own experiences. Just like other things about your kid, it may not make any sense to you. You may not be able to relate. But that doesn’t make it any less real to your child.

In no particular order, here are some of the reasons it’s common for those of us with differently wired brains struggle with our attachment to stuff:

• Stuff is emotionally safe.

Stuff doesn’t judge us. Our dolls and action figures and stuffed animals don’t tell us they are disappointed in us. Or that they don’t want to play with us. They don’t tell us we are weird. They don’t yell at us or argue with us. They aren’t too busy for us.

This is the same reason why some people form unhealthy attachments to animals. This line of thought is very common amongst people who are found to have 25 cats or 14 dogs or a hamster colony.

To the rest of the world, this seems like neurotic behavior. To those who live it, it’s a way of feeling the love they don’t feel through their relationships with other humans.

If you look at the personal lives of people who have unhealthy attachments to stuff, you will most likely find damaged family connections or a lack of personal connections. Often both. Since so many of our autistic and ADHD kids struggle with personal connections, it’s easy to see how this can translate into forming connections to things.

I know a lot of our kids talk about sleeping with stuffed animals well past the age of when most kids have moved on. I slept with a teddy bear until I moved in with my future husband.

Last night some things were weighing heavily on my mind, and my first thought was to go find a teddy bear to sleep with. I didn’t, but I definitely thought about it. If your child is a collector, there’s a good chance stuffed animals are high on the list of things they accumulate.

• Stuff reinforces our outcast identity.

Some people collect things that are broken, damaged, or discarded. If a person themselves feels broken, damaged, or discarded, they will automatically relate to things in their world that others view this way as well.

A lot of us with different brains have this need to believe that everything has value. Everything is worth something. (I have this built so deeply into me. It’s very hard for me to let go of this one.)

This can look like people who keep animals after they have died. We’ve all heard the stories of people who’ve kept PEOPLE after they’ve died. Maybe it’s refusing to let go of toys that break, or books that are torn, or electronics that are damaged. It could be buying or saving toys that have manufacturing issues.

To give you an idea of how deep this can go, I struggle with throwing away paper clips. Thumbtacks. Unused napkins. Sauce packets.

In my mind, EVERYTHING has value. Value doesn’t have to be monetary. I don’t think my paper clip collection is going to make me rich. I just know that people use paper clips and thumbtacks and napkins and sauce, so it seems wasteful for me to throw away things that people use every day.

I do realize that most people don’t think this way. In fact, I don’t know another adult who holds onto these things. But as mentioned earlier, just because other people don’t think this way doesn’t make it any less real to me.

We are assigning value to objects in our world as a way to hold on to the idea that EVERYTHING is valuable, including us. We don’t want to think that we could be discarded or tossed aside like all the other things people don’t want.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I have a tray table stand in my garage. I don’t have the tables anymore, but I can’t help but feel like someone may want the stand. On my way to put it in the trash bin now…

• The ‘getting’ of stuff provides a dopamine hit.

Everyone likes getting things. Whether it’s a gift from someone or something we get for ourselves, we all like that little hit of dopamine that comes with having something we haven’t had before.

For people with ADHD, dopamine hits can easily be addictive. It’s why we tend to engage in riskier behavior than the typical population. It’s why we are more prone to addictions than other people.

The most common ideas of addictions are to substances (drugs and alcohol) and to activities (sex, shopping, gambling, online gaming).

‘Collecting’ is a form of an addiction if it becomes something the person loses their ability to control. Same with spending money. And finding something new or cool.

Shoplifting is easily tied into this. It’s an addiction to acquiring things paired with the adrenaline rush of getting away with not paying for it. Online shopping is the addiction to acquiring things paired with the rush of finding something unique or at a bargain price.

I used to have an addiction to buying things on Facebook Marketplace. Every piece of furniture in my home (with only one exception) was purchased through Marketplace. I have a unique aesthetic in my home and finding pieces that align is SO exciting to me! I don’t play online games and I spend very little time engaging on social media sites, but I can spend hours a day scrolling through Facebook Marketplace. Even if I don’t buy anything, I get a dopamine hit just by looking at all the cool stuff.

In fact, up until a couple weeks ago, scrolling Marketplace was my calming strategy. If I was feeling upset or overwhelmed or frustrated, there was a whole world (or at least a country) of other people’s crap for me to look at, and it was very calming for me.

Luckily I have replaced this strategy recently with a much healthier, calmer alternative.

• The idea that our kids lack empathy is a big, fat myth.

Autistic and ADHD people are some of the most empathetic people that exist. The struggle is that we don’t always know what to DO about what we notice. We see that someone is hurt or needs help, but we don’t know what we are supposed to do about it.

Often this sense of empathy extends to inanimate objects. The broken doll. The dead bug. The crayon that no one else wants to use. Neurodivergent people are frequently known for their kindness and compassion towards animals, sometimes forming connections that neither the human nor the animal has with any other being.

When I was a kid, I decided my favorite color would be beige simply because I knew it wasn’t anyone else’s favorite color. I felt bad for the color beige for not being on anyone’s list. I remember my mom painting a mouse coming out of the pocket of a beige t-shirt I owned to make it more appealing.

Freaking beige, y’all.

Seriously, unless you are painting your bathroom, when is the last time you even thought about beige? But that’s exactly why I chose it.

We tend to root for the underdog. We know what it feels like to be in that role. Our empathy extends to anything we associate with the feeling of being unwanted or less than. We don’t want anyone or anything to feel that way.

So why does it matter? Why is an attachment to ‘stuff’ something to even talk about, let alone be worried about?

I'll be back next week to talk about why our kids' attachment to stuff is a sign of much more important challenges, what NOT to do to help your child with their attachments, and what to do instead (including holiday gift ideas!).