Autism, ADHD and Apologizing

(You can listen to this on our podcast HERE or watch on YouTube HERE.)

Does your kiddo refuse to apologize for things, even when there is evidence of the crime? Or do they apologize for everything?? Why is the concept of apologizing difficult for autistic and ADHD kids? I'm going to share some of the reasons, as well as some ways we may be making it worse, and how to focus on what really matters!

There are several reasons neurodivergent kids struggle with apologizing.

Accountability

One reason our kids struggle to apologize is that apologies require us to be accountable for ourselves. The whole basis of an apology is that we're acknowledging that we said or did something that somebody else feels like we should not have said or done. Maybe WE even feel like it's something that we should not have said or done. Apologizing means acknowledging that we've done something that could be interpreted as 'wrong' or 'bad'. Nobody likes to admit or acknowledge something like that, even functional adults!

We all know adults who never admit or acknowledge when they've done something that has hurt somebody else's feelings, offended somebody, inconvenienced somebody, caused real pain or damage, etc. There are people in the world who don't ever apologize for their words or actions. So it's easy to see why this is difficult for kids. The biggest reason why it's difficult for our kids to apologize is because apologizing means admitting that they were wrong. And nobody likes to be in that situation, not even adults!

Avoiding trouble

Another reason kids may avoid apologizing is because admitting that you're wrong means there's a chance that you're going to get in trouble. If you apologize for something, you're opening the doorway to getting in trouble for whatever it is you said or did. Often our kids will deny something because they are afraid of getting in trouble. Most lies serve the purpose of keeping people out of trouble. Most of the time when somebody doesn't tell the truth, it's because they're trying to avoid a consequence. If your kiddo admits or acknowledges that they've done this thing, whatever it may be, they have opened themselves up to getting in trouble for having done this thing. By refusing to apologize, they are hoping to avoid consequences.

Self-preservation

Apologizing can be damaging to our kids' already fragile self esteem. Apologies reinforce the concept of being 'wrong' or being 'bad'. Research has shown that kids with ADHD get much more negative feedback throughout the course of their life than kids who don't have ADHD. Our ADHD kids are already used to feeling like they're bad or wrong, and apologies just exacerbate that concept. What I see more often in autistic and ADHD kids is over-apologizing, or apologizing too much. This happens when kids have low self-esteem and believe that they are constantly doing things wrong.

Typical approaches to apologizing actually make the problem worse.

Requiring apologies

Have you ever felt embarrassed or ashamed of something your child said or did? It's a pretty common feeling when we're talking about kids who don't always use their filter, or kids who aren't always able to regulate their emotions. We feel responsible for the things they say and do because they are kids. This feeling leads us to either apologize on their behalf or to try to make them apologize.

If your kiddo has a meltdown in public, you might require them to apologize to people around them. You want them to know you don't tolerate that kind of behavior from your child. If they hit a sibling, you might require them to apologize to their sibling. You want to show the sibling that you can handle the situation. That you're in control and that behavior is not okay. A lot of times we require kids to apologize because of our own sense of guilt or shame over their behavior.

When we require apologies, we get half-assed apologies. We get sarcastic apologies. We get mumbled apologies. Sometimes kids will apologize, and then have massive emotional regulation challenges afterward because of how crappy they feel for being forced to apologize.

Punishing noncompliance

Another thing that adults do that makes apologizing even more challenging is punishing our kids when they don't apologize, or threatening punishment. Things like: 'If you don't apologize, we're going home.' 'If you don't apologize, I'm taking your phone away.' Punishing or threatening our kids for not apologizing is another way that we make apologizing an even bigger issue than it really needs to be. It also is another way we make apologies very disingenuous. When people are threatened or punished for not doing something, we are more likely to do the thing BUT we are more likely to do it half-assed or sarcastically. So punishing and threatening might get the job done, but you're not getting the outcome that you're really looking for. You're getting a very manipulated outcome.

Not leading by example

When is the last time you apologized to your kiddo? Maybe you lost your cool and said something that was a little too much. When that happens, do you apologize to your kids? Do you apologize if you accidentally bump into them? Do you apologize if you aren't able to keep your word about something? Or do you turn your slip-ups into a joke?

If we are not able to apologize to our kids, that's the model they see. They see apologizing as something to be avoided. It's very difficult for our autistic and ADHD kids to behave in ways other than what they have been shown.

I apologize to kids at Starfish Social Club as often as possible because it's so important to me to reinforce this concept. I apologize anytime if I bump into somebody or run into somebody, I apologize if I misunderstand something that somebody's saying. Anytime I've realized I'm wrong about something, I apologize to the kids. I've apologized for not noticing somebody trying to tell me something. I really want to reinforce the natural order of apologizing to other people. I want the kids to see that it's not that big of a deal. It's a free exchange back and forth between us. It's not a one-way, child-to-adult situation or child-to-child situation. It's for all of us!

Over-emphasizing forgiveness

This next one's a little bit touchy because it usually has to do with religion. I have seen kids who were raised and brought up to ask other people for forgiveness. They are not able to move on until the other party has forgiven them. This is a difficult concept when we have no control over the choices that someone else makes.

I've seen kids have meltdowns over someone else not forgiving them. They've chosen to apologize, usually because they think they're expected to. The other person either doesn't forgive them or doesn't really acknowledge the apology (maybe because they've already moved on to something else) and the kiddo doesn't know how to handle that situation. When we require kids to ask for forgiveness, we don't have any control over whether the person on the other side of that apology is going to forgive them or not. It's almost a setup when we make our kids feel responsible for something they have no control over.

Making the apology the most important thing

What's the most important part of an apology? (Hint: It's not the apology!) The apology is the least important part of this whole process. One of our lessons at Starfish Social Club is about apologizing. At Starfish, apologizing is not required. It's a choice that everyone can make if they choose to. More important than apologizing is the concept of making it better.

I don't care if kids apologize or not. It is their choice. What I do care about is what they do next. How do they make this situation better?

Recently some kiddos were building a block tower together, and one of the kids knocked it down. The other kid got really upset because he wasn't ready to knock it down. I stepped in and asked, "How can we make this better?" The kiddo who knocked it down said, "Oh, I can help him rebuild it!" And off they went to rebuilt the tower together. There was no apology, and that was just fine! He came up with his own solution and helped the other student rebuild the tower.

Then I added, "I wonder if you guys could come up with an agreement on when you're ready to knock it down. That way, nobody feels upset. You both agree on when to knock it down." They came to an agreement that no one would knock it down unless they talked about it. To me, that's so much more important than an apology.

Sometimes when I ask kids 'how can you make this better?' they do apologize. That's totally fine. It's their choice if they want to or not. Regardless of whether they apologize or not, they're expected to change their behavior.

The example I give the kids in class is this: If you're kicking somebody under the table, even if it's an accident, you can choose whether you want to apologize or not. But either way, you're expected to quit kicking them under the table! You're expected to change your behavior. Otherwise, you acknowledging the situation is pointless. And it makes people pretty annoyed when we apologize for something, but we keep doing it.

Even things like being late, which is a challenge for me. It doesn't come across well for me to apologize to somebody for being late, and then continue to be late in the future. It makes my apology seem insincere. It makes it seem like I'm just saying 'sorry' to try to get out of being accountable for the fact that I was late if I continue to be late. So the apology is not the important part. The change in behavior is what really matters.

Making the apology about others

When we apologize, we can't control the other person's response. They may be totally fine with our apology. They may be super angry with our apology. They may choose not to accept our apology. They may have moved on and don't even care about whether we apologize or not.

Several years ago, there was a situation where somebody was really mad at me. I had apologized, I acknowledged I said something that wasn't appropriate. Even after I apologized, they kept coming back at me, raising their voice at me, making comments about what I had said. I finally just said, "I don't know what else you want from me. I apologized for saying what I said. I won't say it again. I don't know what else you want from me." When I said that, they stopped rehashing the situation.

We have no control over how someone else reacts to an apology. An apology should not be about the other person. It should be about us being able to take accountability for the fact that we've said or done something that's harmed somebody else: Literally, figuratively, emotionally, verbally, whatever the case may be. It shouldn't be about the other person and their response. It should be about us.

Allowing over-apologizing

In our lesson at Starfish, we go more into detail about over-apologizing, because that's often more of a challenge for our kiddos. We make lists of things that it would would be pretty appropriate to apologize for, and things that it wouldn't be appropriate to apologize for. It's interesting how some of our kiddos tend to default to apologizing automatically, even if it's something as minor and general as getting feedback. If somebody says: 'Hey, can you please move over?' 'Oh, I'm sorry.' You don't have to be sorry for that!

Even times like this when our kids get generic or neutral feedback, they apologize. That's not what I want for our kids for sure! That's really a gateway to anxiety and to low self esteem. Every time we apologize, it sends a signal to our brain that we're wrong. Sometimes we need that signal. Sometimes it helps us correct a choice that we've made. We definitely need that signal when it's appropriate. But we don't need that signal all day, every day. That's what's happening to some of our kids. They're sending themselves that signal all day, every day by chronically apologizing. And when we require apologies, we're sending them that signal as well.

Instead of requiring apologies, let's focus on teaching our kids how they can make something better!