Social rules for autistic and ADHD kids

(You can listen to this on our podcast HERE or watch it on YouTube HERE.)

What happens when we teach neurodivergent kids social rules?

They are likely to become the kids who either get ignored by other kids, or who have a reputation for being annoying. Why is that? How come when we try so hard to help our kids make friends, we sometimes end up sabotaging them instead?

There really is no such thing as a social rule. There are no black and white situations when it comes to interacting with other people. When we pretend like there are, we do our kids a major disservice. We create social robots who ask rote questions on autopilot, like ‘What’s your name?’ and ‘What are you doing?’ and ‘How are you?’. Let’s talk about how to move away from social rules, especially for our autistic and ADHD kids who tend to be very rule-focused.

According to Hoyle Day

August 29th is ‘According to Hoyle Day’. This is a day to honor expertise, authority, and rules in honor of Edmond Hoyle. He was an expert regarding the rules and regulations of many popular games of his time, which was a couple centuries ago. The phrase ‘according to Hoyle’ was and still can be used to prove expertise or authority.

Most autistic kids and a lot of ADHD kids have a tendency to prefer rules, and are known for sticking to those rules. It’s common for our kiddos to develop reputations for being bossy or being the ‘rule police’ because they expect everyone else to share their respect for rules as well. A lot of my students really struggle when they get to middle school because a lot of the other kids don’t follow the rules, and even seem to delight in not following the rules!

Rules are intended to create a sense of order. A sense of civility. A sense of safety. 

But when it comes to how we interact with other people, playing ‘according to Hoyle’ doesn’t work out so well. Whether it’s friendships, dating, or long-term partnerships, those who try to do things by the book often end up even more isolated than they were to begin with. This is one of the reasons why our kids struggle so much with the social world. It doesn’t follow rules.

The problem

Rules are most needed and effective in situations when someone might not know how to do something, or when there’s a chance they might do something wrong if not given the proper guidance. Rules imply there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to do something. Things like driving. Putting together furniture. Filing taxes. Applying for a job. Using a new piece of technology. 

In these examples, the person trying to do the thing may get confused or frustrated without the rules. I know I follow every single instruction manual when I put things together as I am in no way mechanically inclined, and I do not want to risk doing it wrong! In some of these situations, NOT following the rules could even lead to someone getting hurt. 

When it comes to social interactions, there are guidelines. There are suggestions. There are helpful tips and strategies. But there are no rules for how we interact with other people. There really is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ when it comes to relationships.

Autistic and ADHD kids tend to think in black and white. When they learn the rule for something, they lock it in. It’s difficult, sometimes even impossible, for them to conceive of the fact that the rule isn’t always the rule. Or that the rule may not work sometimes. 

But that’s the case with social rules. Unlike driving rules or filing taxes rules, social rules aren’t always the rule. They don’t work sometimes. And we are actually LESS likely to be successful if we try to follow social rules.

How we may be making it worse

When we insert rules into social interactions in an effort to help our kids, we are making things more difficult for them. Things like telling them to introduce themselves to other kids, to initiate conversation by giving someone a compliment, to not interrupt others, to not talk to strangers… All these things seem good in theory, but fall apart in authentic social situations. 

When we teach kids the ‘rule’ for introducing themselves, they use that strategy every time they talk to a new kid. Introducing yourself is one of the least successful ways to start a conversation. It doesn’t show interest in the other person, it’s not necessary, and it’s not natural.

Teaching our kids the ‘rule’ about not talking to strangers ensures they won’t make new friends! Imagine how lonely life would be if everyone could only talk to people they already knew. We would all be huddled in our family units, worried that the other family units were out to get us because they are strangers!

Teaching our kids the ‘rule’ about not interrupting can pose a safety hazard. What if there’s an emergency? I recently saw a student almost wet his pants because he didn’t want to interrupt to say he needed to use the restroom.

Even the social rule about ‘just be yourself’ keeps our kids from paying attention to social feedback. Yes, be yourself! AND pay attention to the feedback you are getting from others if you want to make steps toward creating the reputation you want!

How we can help

At Starfish Social Club, we teach kids about what we call the ‘Reputation in Moderation’ Scale. We show them how there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ when it comes to social interactions. There are, however, choices that cause us to be more likely to create the reputation we want, and choices that cause us to be less likely to create the reputation we want. 

Our students learn that while there are some things that will usually give us a not-so-great reputation, like picking our nose in front of others or insulting people, most social behaviors fall on a scale. On one end of the scale lies the land of ‘no reputation’, meaning other kids probably don’t even notice us because we aren’t engaging in certain social behaviors often enough (like saying hello or talking about ourselves or laughing at people’s jokes). On the other end of the scale lies the land of ‘annoying’, meaning other kids probably think we are annoying because we are doing certain social behaviors too much (like saying hello or talking about ourselves or laughing at people’s jokes). 

There’s quite a range in the middle of the scale to allow for everyone’s different personalities and preferences. There are no rules for what number you need to land on, or that one number is better than the other. Just a general level of self-awareness regarding the reputation we want, and the most likely way to get it!

I intentionally include a lot of these ‘grey areas’ on the scale. We can definitely get a reputation for being annoying if we interrupt too much, but what about if we never interrupt because we think it’s the rule? Even if there’s an emergency?

The same for not talking to strangers: We probably don’t want to do that all the time as not everyone is keen on talking to us, but what if we NEVER talk to strangers? Like the new kid in our class who seems pretty lonely?

I’m currently watching this AMAZING show on Netflix called ‘The Incredible Attorney Woo’. It’s a Korean show about an autistic woman who becomes an attorney. I highly recommend it. It’s very lighthearted but also does a deep dive into the real challenges she faces due to her neurology. Her special interest is whales, so her dad tells her she can’t talk about whales at work. She asks what she is supposed to do if the situation requires talking about whales, and he tells her it would then be okay to talk about whales. Enter the ‘grey area’. 

The social world is pretty much entirely grey. There are very few, if any, hard and fast rules when it comes to social interactions. Some people teach ‘no potty humor’. But as we talked about previously, potty humor is really appropriate in a group of people who like potty humor! The same for cursing, offensive jokes, liking Thomas the Train, talking for hours about Lego… all totally appropriate in the right context. 

One of the ways we teach the ‘grey’ to our students is by pointing out what different people in the group like and don’t like. This helps the students create a framework around the reputation they might get if they do or talk about certain things, or DON’T do or talk about certain things. If everyone in the group likes to be silly and you aren’t being silly, all of a sudden YOU are the one with the reputation for being annoying, not the people who are being silly!

Another way we teach the grey is through game time. During game time, students can play any game they choose with anyone they choose. They can even make up their own game. When there is a question about the rules of a game, we defer to the official rules. In other words, we play ‘according to Hoyle’. But anyone in the group has the ability to propose a new rule at any time. The only requirement for it to become a rule of that round is that all players have to agree to it. 

If you were on our Facebook page over the summer, you saw all the fun challenges I doled out to our kids during game time! They made up their own rules, combined games, switched groups, made up their own games, all kinds of things that were definitely not Hoyle approved. I challenge them during game time because I know how important it is for them to learn to be comfortable in the grey. Some of our kids actually prefer it there and have taken to making up their own rules and their own games as standard practice!

Choosing to live according to Hoyle is a great practice for public safety. It’s great for production at work. It is necessary for a lot of the day-to-day, mundane stuff that has to get done when we are adults. 

But when it comes to interacting with other human beings, there really are no rules. We are all just living in a bunch of grey, trying to make the choices that give us the reputation that we want! The best way we can help our kids with social interactions is to bring them into the grey, and teach them the concept of self-awareness!