It's About Time!

(You can listen to this on our podcast HERE or watch it on YouTube HERE.)

Does your child struggle with time management? Do they get overwhelmed when things need to get done? Do they spend more time resisting or refusing than actually doing the thing? Do they have a reputation for procrastinating, or for never being on time?

If your child is autistic or has ADHD, you probably relate to at least one of these. Time management is one of the big challenges for people with executive functioning deficits, which is a core part of autism and ADHD. 

Today we’re talking about why time management is a struggle for so many of our autistic and ADHD kids, and how we can help them develop this skill. 

September 5th is ‘Be Late for Something Day’. 

I have to say, I don’t need a day dedicated to this. Lateness is definitely one of the challenges that comes with my ADHD brain. 

Also, September 6th is ‘Fight Procrastination Day’. How interesting that the two days are back to back! In honor of this, today’s episode will also talk about the reasons our kids struggle with procrastination, how it can be related to time management challenges, and how we can help them GSD!

Neurodivergent brains often see time in two dimensions: now and not now.

We are sometimes known for our ability to get things done at the last minute. This is because things that have a sense of urgency fall into the ‘now’ category, and things that don’t have a sense of urgency fall into the ‘not now’ category. That’s all we see. 

Things that go into the ‘now’ category are pretty likely to get done. That’s the whole reason I’m now structuring our podcast, blog, and YouTube content around days on the calendar; it puts getting them done into the ‘now’ category in my brain.

In order for things to move from the ‘not now’ category into the ‘now’ category, there has to be a factor of influence. Maybe it’s someone reminding the person that it hasn’t been done. Maybe it’s a looming deadline. Maybe it’s the threat of the price going up, or not having what you need if you wait longer. Whatever it is, there has to be some force that causes the move.

Humans are more motivated by the concept of loss than the concept of gain.

In other words, we are more likely to respond to things if NOT doing so causes us to lose something rather than responding to things because we gain something by doing so. 

The best example I’ve heard is when someone explained it in the context of tires. If your neighbor called you at 3AM to tell you that they found 4 new tires that matched your vehicle and you could have them if you picked them up NOW, you would most likely have some choice words to share with them before going back to sleep. However, if the same neighbor called at the same time of night to tell you that someone was in the process of stealing the tires off your vehicle, chances are you would do whatever you could to keep that from happening. 

Another factor I’ve noticed in myself and a lot of the kids is the concept of ‘time blindness’. This refers to not having a concrete awareness of the passage of time. It can be difficult for people with time blindness to have a concept of what time it is now, what time something is happening or needs to be done, and how much time things actually take. This often means that we think things we don’t like or don’t want to do (like homework, chores, running errands, hygiene tasks) will take much longer than they actually will. This is why your kiddo may cry or complain for 45 minutes about doing homework that would have taken them 20 minutes to do. 

One strategy for this is to actually time your kiddo doing these things. Time how long it takes to take out the trash, or go grocery shopping after school, or get ready for bed. This way your kiddo will know in the future how much time to expect for these tasks. Most often they take a lot less time than what we were expecting. 

The next time it’s time for that task or activity, remind your child of how much time it took last time, and set a timer for a little bit more. If it takes 5 minutes usually, set a timer for 6 minutes. If it takes 25 minutes, set a timer for 30. 

Visual timers work the best. Visual timers show time passing instead of just a clock or a countdown. iPads have a visual timer, so that’s usually the easiest option. At Starfish we buy kitchen timers that are visual. The amount of time that’s left is shown in red.

The goal shouldn’t be to beat the clock, as that usually means the task or activity will not be done well. The goal is to spend that amount of time engaged in that task. If it’s done before the timer goes off, great! If not, you and your child can decide whether more time needs to be spent on it, or if that’s enough to satisfy the requirements. 

Time blindness also explains why neurodivergent people are known to hyperfocus.

When we are doing things we really enjoy, our awareness of the passage of time slows down. We can easily get lost in activities for hours without realizing how much time has actually passed. 

A helpful strategy for this (and one I use myself) is timers or time markers. If I turn on Netflix in the evening, I decide ahead of time how many episodes I’m going to watch, or how long I’m going to watch. If I don’t set a time marker for myself, it’s way too easy for me to get sucked in. I do the same when I am researching whatever my topic of interest is at the moment. It’s way too easy for me to spend hours on the internet looking into something new, so I usually plan to spend an hour a day learning about my special interest. Since there’s no end to what can be researched, it’s way too easy to just keep going. By putting a time limit on it, we are creating an end. 

If your child has several things they want to accomplish in a sitting, like maybe read, play a game, and look something up online during a 2 hour evening stretch, have them prioritize and decide how much time they want to spend on each. Maybe they want to read for 20 minutes, play games for 40 minutes, and research for an hour. By setting boundaries around their time, they are able to do all the things they want to do. If there are no boundaries, it’s likely they will get to the end of the 2 hours and still be on the first activity because time has passed without their awareness.

When it comes to being late, my favorite strategy is to work backwards. Whether it’s somewhere your kid goes every day or somewhere they are going once, start with the arrival time. Factor in whether it’s okay to arrive on time, or whether on time is actually late. Arriving on time for a birthday party is expected, but arriving at 6:00 for a 6:00 class at Starfish means the student is probably coming in as we are already starting. Usually it’s expected to be early for things that have a specific activity starting at a specific time, but not necessarily for things that don’t have a specific activity planned.

Once you know the expected arrival time, plan how long it will take to get there. Do you need to factor in traffic? Weather? School zones? You can map this out on a similar day to get an idea. For example if you are going on Wednesday at 5:30PM, you can map it on Monday at 5:30PM to have a reasonable estimate of the time it will take.

Now that you know the travel time, calculate the transition time. This is the time that’s needed to be ready to go. It may include getting dressed, packing bags, eating a snack, taking the dog out, etc. This will vary depending on where you are going and when, but from personal experience this is what most of us with time blindness forget to factor in. I will often be ready to walk out the door at the predetermined time, but then realize there are 3 things I need to do first that I forgot to account for, and now I’m going to be late.

Once you know the arrival time, travel time and transition time, you have a good idea of what time your transition needs to start in order to reach your destination on time. Yes, this is a lot of work. But it only needs to be done once for routine plans and it’s an invaluable skill that will be incredibly beneficial for your kiddo and their ability to manage time. Chronic lateness can give people a reputation for being lazy, dismissive, or even rude, and we don’t want that for our kids!

If you as an adult struggle with being late, I encourage you to try some of these strategies. In my almost 20 years of experience working with kids, I can tell you firsthand that kids who are chronically tardy often develop anxiety around being late. The challenge is that they are not responsible for being late. I saw this when I was teaching and certain kids were always late getting to school in the morning, and I see it at Starfish when kids are often late getting to class. 

When we are late, we feel left out. The group has already started without us, and it can be awkward to try to join in after the fact. When kids are late for game time at Starfish, the rest of the group has already chosen their games and their groups. Sometimes there isn’t an open spot for someone who comes in late. 

While I 100% relate to adults who are chronically late, I also see the negative outcome it can have on kids, especially if they are rule followers or are already prone to anxiety. 

Now we’re going to transition into our second topic for today: Procrastination.

Some of the things I’ve already talked about can go a long way in helping with procrastination. Setting timers, deciding how to spend your time, and planning things out are all really helpful.

While most people struggle with procrastination to some extent, those of us with executive functioning challenges due to autism or ADHD have a lot more stacked against us. 

People who struggle with executive functioning have a hard time starting tasks, getting organized, planning things out, thinking ahead, and following through. It’s really hard to get things done on time when all these things are a challenge for your brain!

While we all want to help our kids with organization, it’s important that everyone adopts their own organizational systems. What works for you may not be a good solution for your kiddo, and what is ideal for one of your kids may be useless for another. It’s important to let our kids try different things and decide what they like and what they will actually use.

This also applies to organizational systems used in schools. I do not use a written planner. Everything goes into the calendar on my phone because I always have my phone with me. I also use the notes app on my phone to keep track of ideas, plans, to do lists, anything I need to remember. I sometimes use post-it notes, but then I end up with 20 post-its all over the place. Some at Starfish, some on my desk at home, some in my bedroom… it becomes very inefficient. Just because planners and post-it notes work for a lot of people doesn’t mean they are the best systems for everyone.

Another strategy that has become invaluable for me recently is using an online task management system. This allows me to break large tasks into smaller pieces, which is absolutely critical for overwhelmed brains. There is no way we can get the big picture done if we don’t know how to break it into manageable pieces.

For kids, this is most relevant when it comes to cleaning their room. I would bet that if you tell your neurodivergent kiddo to clean their room, it either doesn’t get done or they end up in tears over it. Let’s break this down further.

Cleaning a room is a big task. Most likely, your child’s brain gets overwhelmed when they are expected to do something big like clean their room. I’m in some online groups for women with ADHD and keeping the house clean is one of the biggest challenges that is brought up by people in those groups. There are even stories of this one thing breaking up relationships because it’s often hard for others to understand why we just can’t get it done.

Let’s see how many smaller tasks we can pull out of cleaning a room. When we’re talking about kids, we can assume there is some trash that needs to be thrown away. That’s one small task. There are probably clothes that need to be put in the hamper or laundry room. That’s a second small task. There may be clean clothes that need to be hung in the closet. Maybe clean clothes that need to be put in drawers. Maybe shoes that need to be put in the closet. Maybe books that need to go back on the shelf. Toys that need to go in the toybox. School items that need to go back in the backpack. Sports equipment that needs to go wherever your family keeps sports equipment. Can you see how what some people see as one task can actually be more like 10 tasks? This is why it gets overwhelming.

One strategy is to help your child make sure everything they own has a home. Where do dirty clothes go? Where do shoes go? What about books? Legos? If things don’t have a home, there’s no way to put them away and they become clutter. Spend some time working with your child to create homes for everything they own. Then teach and reinforce the concept of putting things back in their home when your child is done with them. Shoes go in the closet. Clothes go in the hamper. There’s a phrase that goes: Don’t put it down, put it away. It’s much easier to keep a room clean than to keep cleaning it.

Another challenge that is common for our kids is letting things go. It’s possible that your child has way too many toys. Or tshirts. Or stuffed animals. This was a big challenge for me for most of my life. At one point I would definitely have qualified as a hoarder. I’ve learned to move past the need for things, but it’s definitely a process and it’s something that requires constant effort on my part.

If accumulating things is a challenge for your kiddo, there are a couple different systems that may help. DO NOT throw things away or donate them without your child’s consent. This is likely to lead to them becoming even more attached to the things they do have. It’s incredibly important that they let go of things in their own time.

One system to keep things from piling up is a ‘one in, one out’ system. This means that when your kiddo gets a new pair of shoes, they let an old pair go. Or a new stuffed animal coming in means one gets donated. If you plan the new items ahead of time, your child can take their time deciding which items to let go when the new ones come.

My preferred method for dealing with my stuff is to spend time once a month or so going through what I own. This could be clothes, shoes, kitchen items, home decor, books, etc. The more I do this, the easier it is for me to pick things to donate or sell each month. I’ve sold some things I’ve had since I was a kid, which means I’ve been lugging these things around for decades. 

Another solution for working with clutter and mess is to have a schedule. This is what works for me when it comes to chores. I have certain days of the week that I do certain things. This means I don’t have to worry about doing everything all at once as a day full of cleaning is overwhelming to think about. It also means I’m getting something done almost every day. I have certain days I take the trash out, empty my kitty’s litter, vacuum, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. 

So breaking down big jobs into smaller tasks is a very helpful way to combat procrastination. Another factor that plays into procrastination for our kids is that they usually need to have a reason for doing things. If you haven’t noticed this already, there’s a good chance your kid isn’t fond of doing things they find pointless. Like 20 math problems for homework. Like making their bed. Like studying for a test. 

While the majority of brains will do things even if they find them pointless, neurodivergent brains often will not. While this is generally a source of frustration for parents and teachers, I think it’s because the world is a little bit jealous of this rebellious streak. 

I do think it’s important to really assess the relevance of the things we are asking our kids to do. Are 20 math problems really necessary if they can show their knowledge in 5 problems? If the answer is yes, this thing is necessary, explain why the answer is yes. Often the reason for things is somewhere in the future, which goes back to that ‘now’ and ‘not now’ concept we talked about, so it can get a little tricky.

Hygiene is a great example. We brush our teeth to keep them from rotting and falling out 20 years from now. But there are also immediate reasons for keeping up with our hygiene. Not only does keeping up with our hygiene help us stay healthy, it’s also directly tied to our reputation! People don’t like talking to people who have bad breath. We don’t like being around people who didn’t put on deodorant that day. It’s hard to attract a girlfriend or boyfriend when your hair is ratty or you always have Doritos dust on your fingers.

Another factor that can cause procrastination is our belief in our ability to do something. No matter how much I explain how important it is to know how to speak Chinese, no matter how much I offer to pay you to learn it, if the expectation is that you learn to speak Chinese in the next week, I would be willing to bet you aren’t even going to start. You don’t expect to be successful. No matter how enticing the reward may be or how much we see the benefit of doing something, we aren’t even going to try if we don’t believe we can do it. 

If your kiddo doesn’t believe they are capable of writing a 2-page paper about beetles, it’s not going to happen. Even breaking it down into steps will seem overwhelming. The same with social stuff. If your child doesn’t believe they are capable of making friends, they aren’t going to be willing to put effort into it. I’ve seen kids who are challenged with being ‘good’ for a week. They don’t think they can achieve that, so they don’t even make it through the first day. 

Just to clarify, wanting something and thinking we can do it are not the same. Everyone wants social connections. Some of our kids have had so many negative experiences that they don’t think they are capable of making it happen. I know people who want to lose 20 pounds, but don’t think they are capable of doing what they need to do to make that happen. A lot of people want to start their own business, but many don’t think they can actually be successful doing so. Regardless of the size of the reward and how much we may want it, we do not embark on journeys we don’t believe we can actually complete.

The best way I’ve found to help our kids develop their self confidence when it comes to taking on challenges is by the way I praise them. You can check out our earlier episodes about praise to go more in depth into this concept. The short version is that I praise kids for skills that I want them to continue growing, not for things they can’t change. 

I also find it really helpful to use other people as examples. At Starfish, I will talk to kids about some of our veteran students who are now teaching assistants. Some of the kids even talk about the challenges they had when they first started attending compared to where they are now. This helps newer students and students who are struggling see that it is possible to create connections and make friends, regardless of where they are starting from.

I do the same thing for myself in my personal life. I completed an Ironman triathlon back April of this year. Prior to about a year ago, I did not believe I was capable of doing something that big. But I am around other people who have done it, most of them several times. Being around other people who have done what you want to do, whether it’s make friends, learn a new language, take a big trip, buy your first house, helps us see that it’s possible. 

Another strategy that I find helpful when working with my students is showing them how far they have come. I often talk about how none of us could walk or talk not that long ago, but look at us now! None of us could read or add when we were little, but look how good we are at it now! Even examples like beating a video game or running a mile or learning to play the piano are all great examples of how our brains are wired for learning! Helping kids see the progress they’ve already made, even if it’s unrelated to the goal, encourages further growth and progress.

One more thing when it comes to procrastination that tends to be a bit more unique for autistic and ADHD people is that we have to FEEL like doing something in order to do it. I can do something with no problem Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, but if I just don’t feel like doing it on Thursday, it’s not happening. 

While this sounds like a really convenient excuse, it’s very real. I tend to chunk tasks throughout the week. When I feel like creating content, I create as much as I can at that time to counteract the times I don’t feel like it. If I feel like cooking, I’ll cook several meals and freeze them so I don’t starve when I don’t feel like cooking. I try to run errands all in one day each week. While it makes for an exhausting day, I’m much more likely to get things done with that approach. 

One hack for when things need to get done, even if we don’t feel like it, is to just start. It’s a myth that action follows motivation. The truth is that motivation comes from taking action. Just do the first thing on the list. The first mini-task. 

If you want your kiddo to start their hygiene routine and you are meeting a lot of resistance, just ask them to do the first thing on the list. Not willing to do 20 minutes of homework? Just expect 2 minutes. The process of getting started almost always leads to the process of keeping at it. Even if they stop after the first mini task, isn’t that better than nothing getting done? Always. 

I invite you to NOT celebrate ‘Be Late to Something Day’. Being late is stressful and can usually be avoided if we have consistent strategies in place. 

As far as ‘Fight Procrastination Day’, I’m all for it. The best way to get something done is to just get started!

I’ll be back on September 13 for ‘Positive Thinking Day’. We’ll talk about how we as adults may actually be contributing to our kiddo’s negative thought cycles, and what we can do to help them (and ourselves) see things differently. In all sincerity, our lives may depend on it.