The next best time (book blog 3)

Every week this summer, I'm sharing something new about my book, Social Skills is Canceled, which is scheduled to be released on July 30. I'm also sharing parts of the journey as it unfolds.

(You can read book blog 1 here. and book blog 2 here.)  

Ever since I can remember, I've had this piece of wood with the short story All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten glued to it. It's meant to be a feel-good piece.

But I know people who never learned all they ever really needed to know in kindergarten. From that perspective, it comes across more as a list of things you should know by now, but don't. 

Here are some things the author mentioned learning in kindergarten: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess...Say sorry when you hurt somebody.

Every week I support students who are still learning some or all of these things. And they are ten. And 16. And 24. 

Here's the good news: It's never too late to learn anything. Including all the things we need to know but didn't learn in kindergarten.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

Writing this book has thrown me into a brand new world full of things I never knew.

I have realized I have gone about this backwards. I wrote the book, and now I'm learning how to write a book. 

The best time to learn how to write a book is before you write a book. Apparently, I just wanted to prove that the second best time is after you've already written it. 

What has kept this project from flying off the rails are the how-to resources I've found along the way. When I'm learning something new, I do best when someone tells me what to do and how to do it. By following the guides, I can see where I'm at, where I'm going, how to get there, and how long it will take. 

Part of the process has also been unlearning and undoing. This past weekend, I spent about 12 hours formatting the interior of the book. In the process, I discovered all the things I had formatted incorrectly when I wrote the book because I simply didn't know a better way to do it. A lot of those 12 hours were spent undoing and redoing. 

I experience something similar when I'm working with students at Starfish.

I have created the guide, and we follow it throughout the year. We talk about where we are, where we are going, how we are going to get there, and how long it will take.

And I spend a lot of time 'unteaching' things students have been taught in the past. Things that actually make it harder for them to make friends, not easier. 

It's never too late for me to learn how to write, format, and publish a book. And it's never too late for someone to learn how to make friends. Even if they didn't learn what they needed to know in kindergarten.

And now for this week's book sneak peak...

This week I'm sharing a section from Chapter 10 of Social Skills is Canceled. Circle, Square, and Triangle decide to watch others having conversations to see what else they can learn about talking to other kids, but they realize not everything they have been taught in the past is helpful.

***

Circle saw someone about her age walk up to the group. He was smiling, but Circle could tell he was uncomfortable because he had his hands in his pockets, and he hesitated before he got close to the other kids. Circle watched closely.

The boy quietly asked, “Hey, what are you guys talking about?”

Circle recognized that question. She had also been taught to ask that question if she wanted to join a conversation. She practiced it with the other students in her social skills group last month.

The kids stopped talking. A couple of them turned and looked at the boy. Their faces looked like they were annoyed. One girl said, “We’re talking about our principal. Do you go to our school?”

Circle watched as the boy’s face grew red. “I… I don’t know,” he finally said. He looked down at the ground.

The girl turned away from him. He stood there awkwardly. Circle could tell he didn’t know what to do. After a few seconds, he walked away.

I don’t understand! thought Circle. He did what I was taught to do. He did what I would have done. But it didn’t work. Why didn’t it work?

Circle felt confused and frustrated. If it doesn’t work to try to join a conversation by asking the group what they are talking about, then what am I supposed to do instead?

Circle closed her eyes. She was trying not to cry. I don’t know if I’ll ever figure all this out, she thought.

***

The first video they watched had 5 kids in it. They were talking about video games. Triangle noticed that they were sometimes interrupting each other and talking over each other, but none of them seemed to mind.

This is confusing, thought Triangle. In social skills class, we learned that it’s rude to interrupt when someone is talking. We aren’t allowed to talk over each other in the group. Why aren’t the kids in this video getting upset?

Triangle wondered if there were other things he had been told about social skills that weren’t always true. This thought made him feel frustrated. What is the point in going to social skills class if I’m learning rules that kids don’t follow? Why am I even in that dumb group?

Triangle turned his tablet off. He stood up from the couch and sat down on the floor next to his sister. She smiled at him and put her hand on his arm. Triangle smiled back at her. He was feeling angry, but he didn't want to say or do anything that might scare her. Sometimes that happened when he was feeling angry.

***

Square noticed that the teenagers were calling each other things that weren’t their names. The group called his brother “Chuckles.” They called one kid “Giraffe.” And another person was “Scooter.”

Square was bothered by this. It was rude to call someone something that wasn’t their name.

But then he noticed no one in the group was bothered or upset about it. In fact, they seemed to like it!

He remembered that his parents sometimes called him “Square Bear.” He didn’t like it very much when they did that, but he realized that’s what the teens were doing.

For the first time, Square understood that giving each other nicknames meant they liked each other. It was something friendly they were doing. So that’s why my parents call me “Square Bear”, he thought. It’s because they like me! 

Are there other things people do when they are friends that I don’t know about? he wondered.

This thought made him feel worried. What if there are LOTS of other things I should be doing, and I just don’t know? Tap, tap, tap. Square could feel his eyes getting wet. I don’t want to learn about this social stuff anymore! he thought, feeling very frustrated.

 ***

You can learn more about the book here: Social Skills is Canceled: A Story for Kids with Autism, ADHD, and Anxiety

You can learn more about our school year classes here: social groups

Also, I would love your help! 

 If you are or have ever been a Starfish family, it would be so helpful if you would leave a review on Google. (If you can figure out how to do it on Facebook too, that would be awesome. It's not giving me a link to share.)

Also, I'm looking for adults and kids to read the book before it publishes and write a review! If you're interested, reply to this email and I'll send you more information. (I know a few of you have already read it. This is a more formal process that includes writing a review, so you are welcome to help with this round as well!)