Stop 'should'ing on me (book blog 2)

Every week this summer, I'm sharing something new about my book, Social Skills is Canceled, which is scheduled to be released on July 30. I'm also sharing parts of the journey as it unfolds.

(You can read book blog 1 here.)

I started Starfish Social Club in 2016 with NO idea how to run a business. It wasn't until it was shut down during COVID that this became painfully clear. My source of income was gone overnight. 

Since I had SO much time on my hands, I started signing up for workshops and classes and email lists and all kinds of things. Business advice was EVERYWHERE during this time.

I believed all the ads telling me I wasn't doing things correctly. I nodded along as experts pointed out how I didn't actually know what I was doing, but they could help! I paid way too much money to people who convinced me of all the things I should be doing, even though they didn't know me or my business. 

It took me a few years to break out of that fog. Once I finally realized how exhausted I was from all the people 'should'ing all over me for the last few years, I had spent way more money than is acceptable to people who promised to fix it all, and my self-confidence was in the 'should'er. (I just came up with that as I was writing this sentence. Even if I'm the only one who laughs at it, I consider it totally worth it!)

I learned some very helpful strategies and implemented some much-needed systems, but it broke the bank and my spirit in the process. And I realized how much I dislike being told what I should be doing. (I am a triangle, after all!)

Now that I'm writing a book, I've noticed there is a new group of people who want to 'should' on me. I've been paying attention to the ads on my social media feeds, the people popping up when I share on LinkedIn, and the emails I've chosen to sign up for. Most of them are full of the ways I'm screwing everything up, and what I should be doing instead. 

Here are a few examples:

• Ad: Find Out WHY MOST BOOKS FAIL (yep, all caps)
• Email: 5 mistakes smart authors make
• Ad: Avoid the Critical Mistake
• Ad : WARNING: Authors, Don't Upload to Amazon Until You Read This!
• Ad: STOP SELLING YOUR BOOK ON AMAZON!
• As mentioned last week, a personal email from someone who doesn't know me, saying "You won't have the time to create any buzz about your book."

These people are all strangers. And, obviously, they are all selling something that I should be doing instead of what I am doing.

Plot twist: Enter someone who IS a friend of mine and not selling anything...

A few days ago, I was hanging out with a friend. He asked how the book was going, so I told him I'm currently working with a cover illustrator/designer. I shared that one of the people I spoke with asked me a brilliant question: What emotion do you want people to feel when they see your book cover?

I told my friend my answer was curiosity. 

His reply: Then you should call it Why is Social Skills Canceled?

Me: No.

Him: Why not?

Me: Because it's not a mystery book.

It could be. 

No. It's not.

What if you made it one?

You realize it's already written, right? It's not a mystery. The characters aren't solving a mystery, the readers aren't solving a mystery. There is no mystery!

I still think you should call it Why is Social Skills Canceled? 

And scene.

I'll just say I probably wouldn't be around to write this email right now if I was prone to violence...

Fortunately, I am not easily deterred. I received my first cover illustration sample today, and this week I'm working on formatting the interior of the book. 

It has caused me to think about whether I should on my Starfish students, or on you, the families and providers of my Starfish students.

I have always tried not to tell people what I think they should do. I don't believe there is a right or wrong way to do things, just choices that lead to the outcomes we want and choices that don't. This is true whether you are a parent raising a neurodivergent kiddo or a child learning how to engage with other kids more effectively. 

I try to speak to others in ways that help them see the outcomes while allowing them to make their own choices.

All the lessons I share with my students are structured this way. I don't ever tell the kids not to do something or that they can't do something. I joke with them that they can do anything they want to, but the choice they are thinking about probably won't get them the outcome they are looking for.

Wouldn't it be lovely if the world was full of friendly suggestions and helpful strategies instead of people shoulding all over us? I'll start a petition.

And now for the next bit of book sneak peak...

Having the book professionally edited was a rough process. I didn't realize until after the first round of edits made their way to me that I needed to hold my ground about some things based on who this book is for. In the end, my editor and I agreed to disagree on several things.

This week I'm sharing the Preface. It's the part of the book that I wrote specifically for adults as I am assuming a lot of parents and teachers will read this book to their kids/students. It describes how and why his book is intentionally different.

Because this is a story for non-traditional kids, I chose to do some things differently. My primary goal is for the book to be easily understood by kids who are likely to have language and processing delays, in addition to being concrete thinkers. Here’s how this book accommodates them: 

v I I use basic vocabulary throughout the book, even though it means I often repeat words more than I should. If I think a student may not know what a certain word means, I use one that is more common. Comprehension over complexity. 

v  The story flow is repetitive. The character’s experiences mirror each other in each chapter to create a sense of familiarity and comfort for the reader/listener. 

v  I write repetitively, even when that means breaking from what is grammatically or syntactically correct. I don’t want a reader to have to reread something because they didn’t understand it the first time. Just because something is ‘correct’ doesn’t mean it's the best choice for everyone.

v  There is a concept in writing known as ‘show, don’t tell’. This refers to explaining things through thoughts, actions, and dialogue instead of the author explicitly stating it. I do not want the reader/listener to have to try to figure out what is happening in the story, so I explicitly tell them. If there is confusion or a misunderstanding on the part of the reader/listener, I have not done a good enough job telling the story in a way that my students will understand. 

v  I intentionally did not include much description of the main characters, nor did I include pictures of them in the cover photo. I want every reader/listener to be able to create their own image in their mind of each of the characters. My goal is for everyone to be able to relate to at least one main character, and that’s easier to do if no one tells you what they are ‘supposed’ to look like. 

v  I intentionally wrote the story to be ‘ageless’, meaning the characters can be any age between 10 and 17. I don’t want the reader/listener to think the story is for kids older than them or younger than them. It is for them! 

v  The book discusses autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, anxiety, going to counseling, anger issues, and stimming. I wrote about these things to make the characters more relatable to the reader/listener, and to normalize all the different ways neurodivergence can show up in the world. This book is for and about neurodivergent kids. I want them to see themselves in it! 

You can learn more about the book here: Social Skills is Canceled: A Story for Kids with Autism, ADHD, and Anxiety

You can learn more about our school year classes here: social groups