The Beautiful Dilemma of Being Different

Take a journey with me for a moment.

Let’s go back to the last time you had the distinct thought that you were different from ‘them’ (whomever ‘they’ are).

It could be high school. It could be scrolling through FB or IG last week. It could be something that happened an hour ago.

Now I want you to think about the emotion you tied to that thought.

Was it a less desirable emotion like shame or jealousy?

Or it was a more desirable emotion like pride or determination?

Chances are it depends on CHOICE.

There are things we choose to be or do differently, and things we don’t.

Think about all the ways you have chosen to be different in your life. Depending on who you are, this may be almost never, or almost every day!

My biggest example comes from my college days when I chose to get my nose, tongue, and both eyebrows pierced. It was definitely different!

There were some social consequences that I expected. The stares, the complements from my peers, the eye rolls from my elders. And the ever popular question: Did that hurt?

But there were some social consequences I didn’t expect. Like being followed around a store at Christmastime like I was going to steal something.

Since I made the choice to do something that would cause me to be different, I could also make the choice to UNDO it. And eventually I did.

By contrast, I grew up with an unusual last name. It was RIPE for parody and my peers didn’t disappoint. I remember being so excited to bring home my 8th grade volleyball team shirt, only to find the misprint. It had the common joke about my last name instead of my actual name. My dad took a sharpie to it as I cried in frustration.

So there are ways we CHOOSE to be different and there are ways in which we ARE different that we didn’t choose. We all have a combination of the two.

When we make the choice to be or do something different we usually do so with an awareness of the social consequences. Like poking holes in my face.

When the choice is made for us, the social consequences hurt. Like being made fun of for something you can’t control/change.

Some people, like our kids, end up with a heavier dose of being different than they would have likely chosen for themselves. Their differences can’t be undone. They can be lessened, accommodated, even hidden, but they will always be there in some capacity.

One of the social consequences of having a social learning disorder is that a lot of our kids KNOW they are different. They see it. They feel it. Other kids tell them.

They have enough social awareness to recognize the situation. But not enough to know how to change it if they choose to.

Being different triggers fear in our reptile brains. Being different used to mean being exiled from the group. Being the first one the predators targeted. Not being able to keep up or contribute. The fear associated with feeling different is very real and primal.

No one really WANTS to be different in ways we did not choose.

This brings us to the deeper level of choice when it comes to being different.

The choice to ACCEPT the differences we can’t control.

As I mentioned in the last post, we have three basic choices when faced with something we don’t like.

We can choose to:

• Remove ourselves from the situation
• Try to change the situation
• Accept the situation

There is no removing our kids unless we decide we are going to ‘protect’ them by removing them from society. Let’s not do that.

There are a multitude of ways to go about trying to change the situation. Speech therapy. Occupational therapy. ABA therapy. School accommodations. Counseling. Parent groups. Workshops.

Of course I’m a little partial regarding which intervention you choose (Starfish, baby!). But guiltless pandering aside, the most important factor is your child’s ability to ACCEPT their differences.

Acceptance doesn’t mean they no longer want to be like everyone else.

Acceptance doesn’t mean they stop attending classes and therapies because they no longer need them.

Acceptance means they love themselves NO MATTER WHETHER THE SITUATION CHANGES OR NOT.

To me it means my students love themselves BECAUSE their brains are different. BECAUSE they have skills neurotypical people don’t have. BECAUSE they have a different perspective. Not DESPITE these things, but BECAUSE of them.

I remember having a conversation with one of my adult students about a year ago regarding being different. He was feeling disappointed that his younger sister was getting her license and he didn’t have his yet. He was frustrated by his autism and the perceived limits it placed on him.

I started a verbal list of all the ways his autism benefitted him. And I told him I loved him so much BECAUSE of his autism! It’s what gives him his unique sense of humor, which is one of his most endearing qualities!

We can choose to be different. We can choose to not be different. But often the choice is made for us.

And this is the beautiful dilemma. Accepting our differences or not.

If you want to be like everyone else, don’t accept your differences. Live in a world of shame and disappointment. It’s a great way to fit in.

But if you want to become the best version of yourself, accept the uniqueness that is you, and OWN IT!

You are the amazing person you are BECAUSE of your differences!

Fitting in gives us a comfortable life. Standing out gives us an exciting life.

It’s your choice!