I Think it May Be Broken

It’s interesting how much things can change in a matter of days. (Hello, March 2020!)

On Thursday I got this voice in my brain telling me I needed to write a blog post. It caught me off guard because I haven’t written a blog post in a year and a half. Life got busy, plus I don’t enjoy writing. Lots of convenient excuses.

Each day since then I both a) decided to go for it and b) chose to clean and purge things around my home instead. Deciding to do something but not making the time to get it done is not super effective.

Something else happened on Thursday as well. After our evening groups ended, I started to feel a discomfort in my right hand. I wasn’t doing anything at the time and I couldn’t remember anything that had happened that may have caused it.

As I took Molly for our nightly walk, I thought back to a medical appointment I had about 8 years ago. I made the appointment after both my middle fingers were really achy and hard to move one morning. I was trying to ride my bike and couldn’t wrap my hands around the handlebars. And there it was: arthritis.

Since then I have had achy hands less than 10 times. It often happens the first time the weather starts to change in the fall and then I usually don’t have any more issues. But every time it happens it reminds me that it’s there. And that it will probably get worse as time goes on.

Since finger pain was not unusual, I was not concerned about it on Thursday as the weather was in fact changing. I remember thinking it felt like walking on a sprained ankle.

I woke up Friday morning to intense pain in my hand. It was the first thought I had before even opening my eyes. My hand was stiff and I could barely move it through the pain. Wow.

And now it was visibly swollen. I wear a starfish ring on my ring finger and I couldn’t get it off. I was able to locate the source of the pain where my ring finger meets my hand. Yep, definitely RIGHT THERE.

I went about my morning and within about an hour the pain had subsided significantly. I was grateful for that as I had a long day of putting off writing a blog post to get to! The pain quickly subsided and did not interfere with the rest of my day at all.

I woke up early on Saturday. The intense pain in my hand reminded me once again that there was something wrong. I wondered if this was just going to be a morning thing for a while.

Another day of finding things to do that did not involve me writing a blog post! I was pretty good at it by day 2.

Today is Sunday. The morning started out the same with the intense pain. But the swelling was worse. I couldn’t even move my fingers without a shot of pain. And today it didn’t get better.

I decided to go to a medical clinic because I felt like I needed to know what this is. Is it arthritis? Is something broken? I think it may be broken.

There was no traumatic incident that I could remember. I was sitting on my couch Thursday when it first started. But I was skeptical that it was arthritis. And without knowing what it was, I didn’t know how to make it better.

The x-rays showed there is nothing broken. But they show there are bone fragments in my hand. Possibly from a previous fracture I was unaware of. Possibly for some other unknown reason. And they are having a party on my joint. 

(The picture at the top of the post is the transcription of the voicemail they left. Hilarious!!)

The pain has lessened since this morning. But I can’t straighten my fingers or touch them to my palm. (Perfect conditions for typing a blog post that I procrastinated on for 2 days. I get it, Universe!)

So why the heck is this a post for Starfish Social Club??

Because the last few days of my life share so many common features with the years-long journey some of our Starfish families were on. The same journey some Starfish spectators are still on.

The journey of finding answers. And, more importantly, finding solutions. The recurring pain. The waiting for it to get better on its own.

How old was your child when you first realized they struggled with making or maintaining friendships? Was it a quick onset like what happened to me over the weekend, or was it little things happening over the last several years, like my arthritis?

How many people did you consult before you felt like you had some answers? Maybe in the form of a diagnosis.

How many trainings have you attended, or podcasts have you listened to, or support groups have you joined?

But knowing the cause (and building a posse) isn’t the same as having a solution.

Knowing your child has autism doesn’t tell you how to help them make friends. Knowing there are bone babies in my hand doesn’t tell me how to make the pain stop.

How long have you planned to register for Starfish Social Club, but started cleaning your house instead (metaphorically speaking, of course)? And have things gotten better or worse since then?

How often have you heard that kids outgrow their social challenges? Or that having them in inclusion will teach them appropriate social skills? How much time went by before you realized neither of those are true? 

I thought the same thing about my hand. I just needed to leave it alone and it would heal on its own. Except, ironically, it’s after doing nothing (sleeping) that it’s at its most painful. Clearly doing nothing isn’t making anything better.

The same is true for our kids. No intervention actually makes things worse. When our kids don't receive helpful feedback about their choices, they don't realize how much the things they are saying/doing are making it difficult for them socially, so they keep doing them.

And let’s not pretend that I thought it would get better just by having it hang out with my typical left hand…

I don’t have a child with a social learning challenge. I just have a bum hand. But I already know that I will spend my Monday morning finding a specialist who can provide me with solutions.

When we encounter a situation in life that we don’t like, we have 3 choices:

1)  Remove ourselves from the situation

2)  Accept the situation

3)  Change the situation

Some parents choose to remove their child from social expectations because of their challenges. Some of it is intentional, like isolating yourself and your child from other families/kids. Some of it is subconscious, like lowering your expectations for what your child’s future options could be. Done! Situation is gone!

Some parents choose to accept the situation. Your child struggles with making friends because he has autism. Or because she is differently wired. You can be your child’s best friend so they won’t get hurt by anyone ever again. You can go everywhere together and talk about everything! Problem solved!

Some parents choose to change the situation. They choose to find an expert. Someone who can provide real solutions to the struggles their child has. Someone who has a proven track record of helping kids with social learning challenges become the best version of themselves.

I will probably have some big decisions to make over the next couple of weeks regarding my situation.

As will you, Starfish spectator. 

Registration for our social learning groups opens in a few weeks. Pre-registration is coming soon. 

I hope you will join me in taking whatever steps are necessary to get more than just answers. To get real solutions. To help your child become the best version of their amazing self!