How Santa Claus Reinforces 'Just Me' Thinking

You know that song ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’? My version would be ‘Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer’! In my humble opinion, that chimney-hopping giver of cheer does more robbing than giving when it comes to kids who are black-and-white thinkers. I know, I know. This is going to be controversial. But hold onto the reins and stay with me!

By design, Santa Claus introduces ‘behavior control by threat’. The concept of Santa is that he only brings gifts to people who are ‘good’. You know, the dude who’s ‘gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?’ A more recent man/woman on the scene, the Elf on the Shelf, is sent to spy on kids and report back to Santa.

I wholeheartedly disagree with using any sort of threat (deciding that something within your control will or will not happen based on your child’s choices) to manipulate behavior. Not only are threats very power-based, which reinforces the concept of one person having power over another, they lose all effect when the things that are threatened don’t actually happen. It robs our kids of the opportunity to make their own choices and learn the natural, logical consequences of those choices. Sometimes those can be more impactful than that lump of coal they are threatened with.

I also am very opposed to terms like good/bad and naughty/nice when it comes to describing kids. No child is bad or naughty. We may not like the choices they make, but they as a person are inherently good. Even the kiddos who are argumentative, defiant, difficult… I am proof that they are and will be just fine!

Santa Claus basically reinforces the concept of conditional gift-giving. This can be a damaging concept, especially for kids who can’t always control the things they say/do.

So what can we do differently?

We can teach our kids that at least some of the gifts they get come from people who love them BECAUSE they love them. Not because of what they did or didn’t do during the month of December.

The concept of Santa Claus can make it difficult for our kids to develop their giving muscles. If they think everything comes from Santa, it can be difficult to expect them to understand why it matters for us to give to others. Some families give small gifts to people outside their household, like teachers, neighbors, service providers, etc. Our kids can be robbed of this understanding when the dude with the list is in charge.

So how can we help foster a spirit of giving? Make a list with your kids of people who are important in the life of your family. Then think of things those people may enjoy, need, or benefit from. Talk to your kids about giving special gifts to people in your life because you love and appreciate them, similar to it being someone’s birthday or another special occasion.

During the month of December for the past several years, Starfish students have exchanged gifts every week in December. We set up a secret Santa-type system but with no holiday affiliation. Each week the kids draw or are assigned a name. Their task is to buy, create, or find something that is specifically intended for their chosen student. This means they have to think about that student and use their social memory to remember what that student likes, talks about, does, etc.

Unfortunately we have not been able to continue that tradition this year with more than half of our students attending online, but we got a lot of positive feedback from parents regarding this activity helping their kids have more appreciation for the concept of giving.

When our kids think Santa brings gifts for everyone, it can be difficult to build their sense of compassion. Kids are only aware of what they have been exposed to, either through education or experience, so some kids have no idea that there are families who don’t have food on Christmas. That there are kids who wake up to no presents, and even no tree. What does Christmas look like for kids who live in homeless shelters or in group homes? When kids believe Christmas is all holly and jolly, they can be robbed of their ability to develop compassion.

Even though I teach students to take advantage of ‘easy’ social wondering questions, like ‘How was your Christmas?’, I never asked this question when I worked with kids who had difficult home lives. If they wanted to tell me about it they would, but there are a lot of reasons why some kids have less than ideal Christmases. Some of which we would never even think of.

So how can we help foster a spirit of compassion for others? Talk to your kids about the way different people live. Teach them how to practice gratitude for the things they do have, especially considering that not everyone in the world does. Find ways to help people who are less fortunate during the holiday season, like donating food, buying toys, or making cards.

While the concept of Santa Claus is intended to spread cheer and goodwill, it requires some extra support from us in order to help our kids with social learning challenges understand all the nuances and intention behind the holidays. If you notice your child struggles with gift giving, compassion, or if you are using Santa or the Elf as a behavior management strategy, try the suggestions above for a happier holiday season!