How NOT to be like me

(You can listen to this podcast episode HERE or watch it on YouTube HERE.)

Hey everyone! Welcome back to Social Skills is Canceled.

I’ve taken a bit of a break. Things have just felt a bit stuck and I needed some time to work through what and why, and how to get unstuck.

My break was not intentional. It just kind of happened.

I’ve talked before about how my brain won’t do things if I don’t want to or don’t feel like it. And I was in a place for a while where I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like it. I needed to take some time to work through what was going on and get myself unstuck.

For a while now (probably over a year) I’ve been feeling like what we do at Starfish Social Club isn’t enough. If you don’t know, I teach autistic and ADHD kids and teens how to make friends.

That part of it is AMAZING. I’m so proud and excited for my students and the progress and growth they make, the connections they make with other kids, the challenges we work through on a weekly basis… That part of it is, hands down, AMAZING!

What I don’t do very well is teach other adults how to best support our kids. Which means the skills and strategies my students are learning probably don’t make it too far past our parking lot.

I will admit that I focus so much on the kids because I prefer kids to adults. I’m not what we would call a ‘people person’, and to me adults are people. My students are MY people. So it’s fun and easy for me to focus on them.

But it’s not so fun when I realize my kids are getting in trouble in school. Or at home. Or that they are being teased. Or left out. Or that their parents and teachers are at a loss as to how to help them make friends.

It’s not so fun when I know things could be different if I got out of my comfort zone and did more to help.

What about those holidays?

And speaking of comfort zones, how are you feeling about the holidays coming up? I’m not a parent of a kid with social learning challenges, but here’s what I know. Holidays mean kids are at home. Without a routine and structure. With their siblings. With a lot of downtime. With the excitement of the holidays. These coming months can be stressful for parents with finances, travel, seeing family, making arrangements, and having kids at home.

Some families struggle with extended family coming in to town, judging their kids and their parenting choices. Trying to protect their kids from rude comments, judgmental conversations, isolated activities, and overstimulation.

A lot of our kids experience increased anxiety for all the reasons mentioned above. You will probably see more screentime out of avoidance or stimulation, which also means struggles to get kids off of screentime. You may have bedtime avoidance. Meal avoidance.

Then there’s school stuff. Holiday parties. Gift exchanges. Days without structure. Field trips. Sugar. Most of our socially challenged kids do not do well with all this going on.

Now I’m not a parent. Most of these circumstances don’t apply to me. It’s just me and my precious kitty.

But I have my own challenges around the holidays.

Here’s my deal…

I’m actually estranged from my family. It’s not something I usually talk about. It’s actually not something I even think about on a regular basis. It’s just another choice I made at some point in the past, kind of like how I don’t drink alcohol and don’t eat pizza. It’s just a thing about my life that I chose at one point, that I don’t really think about until I’m around other people who have or do that thing.

I don’t think about the fact that I don’t drink until I’m in an environment where people are drinking. Pizza isn’t even on my mind until someone asks me what kind of pizza I want (usually at a cohort outing with our Starfish students). I don’t really think about the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my family until there’s a reason it comes up. Like the holidays.

How things got here

If you haven’t figured this out about me, I’m a bit of a nonconformist. I really get a kick out of being different, doing different, thinking different. I absolutely love being around my students so much because we are all our own version of different.

Being a bit of a rebel is the reason I am successful at what I do. I am able to see and think about things in ways that other people can’t.

Being disruptive helps me advocate for myself and others. I have had people arrested, taken them to court, and righted a lot of wrongs in my day because I refuse to tolerate things that just aren’t okay.

As an adult, I find it fun to be a bit of a maverick. I own it. I actively pursue it.

As a child, my strong personality got me in trouble. Regularly.

Not into trouble, as in I did things that didn’t work out so well for me. That’s not what I mean.

I mean I got in trouble. I was punished. There were artificial consequences imposed upon me by the powers that be. On a regular basis.

I was yelled at. I was constantly grounded. I was sent to my room. My phone was perpetually taken away. (Back in my day, it was a landline phone with my own personal phone number.) I was told I was disowned when I came home from college with piercings and tattoos.

Growing up, stories were told about how difficult I was. There was a story about a time I kicked a doctor in the face. A story about a time I told a woman on an airplane to shut up. A story about how I always picked on my brother. A story about how I didn’t listen to my brother when he told me to stay away from the horse and it stepped on my hand. A story about how I lost it when I came home from camp and my mother and brother had painted my room for me, but I wanted to do it myself!

There are no stories about how I really needed mental health help by the time I reached high school. There are no stories about how I had a plan to end my life when I was 15. There are no stories about how I ended up in a psychiatric facility in my early 20s. About how I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and a personality disorder.

Most of these things my family didn’t, and still doesn’t, know about.

There is no story in my family about how I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. About how it helped me understand SO MUCH about my behavior and my choices and how that was the true diagnosis, not the ones I got 20 years ago. There is no story about that because by the time that happened, I no longer had a relationship with my family.

Why am I sharing all this?

When kids are raised in a climate of misunderstanding, it creates thought loops in their mind that there must be something wrong with them. That they aren’t good enough. That they aren’t ok.

Misunderstanding often leads to punishment. Spanking and yelling. It can also mean threats to take things away. Not being allowed to do certain things based on their behavior.

But it doesn’t have to be that extreme. Misunderstanding our kids can also lead to belittling comments like: You know better than to do that, or How many times do we have to talk about this? Or I’m tired of having to listen to this, or when will you…, why can’t you…, I can’t believe you…, It’s not that difficult to…

Here's the thing about kids: They are all doing the best they can with what they have.

No kid wants to feel like they aren’t good enough. No kid wants to rely on medication and therapy to be ‘okay’. No kid wants to feel isolated and alone. No kid wants a reputation for being annoying.

And here’s the thing about parents: They are all doing the best they can with what they have.

And no parent wants to feel like they don’t know how to help their child. No parent wants to rely on doctors and therapists to tell them what their child needs. No parent wants to feel like a failure and isolated.

Time for a new plan.

I usually spend November and December trying to forget the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my family. I am usually at home alone or out in nature keeping my mental health in check while everyone I know is with their parents, or their kids, or out of town somewhere with the people they love or wrapped up in buying gifts for those they care about.

This year, I’ve decided to do something different. This year, I’m going to spend November and December on a mission to keep other families intact.

Families whose kids who are struggling when it comes to making friends. Struggling with anxiety or depression. Struggling with following rules and maintaining boundaries. Families who feel like they don’t know how to help their child. Families who have strained relationships because they stand up for their child’s needs. Families who feel like worn-out warriors.

Here's what I know: When parents understand their child’s social profile, they are in the best position possible to preserve their relationship. When parents have insight into why their kid does or doesn’t do what they do or don’t do, they are in a position to help.

This probably all makes sense to you. It’s pretty logical.

Here’s something that you may not realize: The way parents interact with their kids plays a huge role in their future relationships. For our Starfish kids with social learning challenges, whether they are socially anxious, socially naïve, or socially rejected, the way the adults in their life interact with them plays a significant part in their social skills with other kids.

This fall, I’m creating a new course designed to help parents not only improve their child’s ability to make and maintain friendships, but to preserve their relationship with their child in the process.

And it’s not just for parents. It’s for any adult who interacts with our kids. Teachers, therapists, grandparents, anyone.

Regardless of your role in the life of our socially challenged kids, understanding and respecting their social profile is the most effective way to help them make friends AND preserve your relationship with them. Two outcomes, one program.

Update: This program is no longer available, but please visit www.StarfishSocialClub.org to learn more about our current programs!